| Imagine placing two flat screen plasma TV's | | | | his bone did split, and then protruded right |
| side by side in your living room smack dab in | | | | out of his bloody skin causing a wave of |
| front of your couch. You've got beer, snacks | | | | nausea to spread over the crowd. |
| a-plenty and fresh batteries in your clicker. | | | | |
| | | | Fascinated but horrified, I quickly turned to |
| One TV has an NFL game on and the other has a | | | | the baseball game and witnessed a wild pitch |
| Major League Baseball game and they both | | | | hit the batter on the finger. The batter |
| start at the same time. | | | | yelped and had to sit the rest of the game |
| | | | out, his pinky was smarting. |
| Besides this being many sports fans' idea of | | | | |
| hog heaven and even better than clicking back | | | | To replace the bone-sticking-out-of-his-leg |
| and forth between games with only one TV, | | | | guy in the NFL game, a bulky player with |
| it's fun to watch the differences between | | | | flowing dreadlocks sticking out of his helmet |
| these two pro sports. Watching the NFL on TV | | | | started lumbering onto the field. He had a |
| is a weekly ritual; baseball is on every | | | | huge cast on his arm that looked like a big |
| night of the week, but watching the two | | | | club. With the hand totally encased, forming |
| combined is almost as rewarding as joining a | | | | a big bulbous weapon, he shook it as his |
| Cowboy cheerleader snuggle-fest. | | | | opponents in defiance while possibly |
| | | | struggling to stick one particular finger up, |
| And that's exactly what I did recently (not | | | | and then reluctantly joined the huddle. |
| the snuggle-fest, but the two TV's thing). | | | | |
| Here's what happened: | | | | It was nearing the halftime and so many |
| | | | timeouts had been called that they seemed to |
| The football game started with a massive kick | | | | have run out of commercials to play. So the |
| to the opposing team, and a line of 250-pound | | | | cameras started scanning the crowd. It was a |
| plus men with murder in their eyes started | | | | lot colder where this game was being held, |
| charging after the poor slob who caught the | | | | and I could see people's breath. I also saw a |
| ball. After a few seconds he was crushed by | | | | guy in shorts and no shirt who had painted |
| his pursuers, becoming the bottom man in a | | | | his skin from head to toe in his NFL team's |
| very scary adult male pig-pile. MLB players | | | | colors. His head was shaved and also painted, |
| tend to be a little mellower and less | | | | and he was wearing a big pig's nose on his |
| physical, but all pro players in any sport | | | | face. |
| need to be strong. Football players take | | | | |
| steroids, baseball players get caught. | | | | As I briefly scanned the crowd on the other |
| | | | TV, I saw lots of people in button down, |
| Meanwhile, the MLB game started off a little | | | | short sleeve shirts, baseball caps and gloves |
| less exciting. My heart rate and pulse began | | | | on, waiting expectantly for that ever-elusive |
| to slow down as I watched the catcher and | | | | foul ball. |
| pitcher play catch as the batter just stood | | | | |
| there spitting and adjusting his crotch. I | | | | The first half started to wind down in the |
| got quickly bored and turned back to the NFL | | | | NFL game, and I actively awaited gratuitous |
| game. | | | | shots of hot cheerleaders. I was rewarded |
| | | | with lots of silly pompom waving and |
| In a matter of a three minute span two men | | | | cleavage. I then happily turned back to the |
| had been injured, with one having his ankle | | | | MLB game but only saw three heavy-set women |
| relocated to his armpit. A touchdown was | | | | shoving sausage dogs and peanuts in their |
| scored, the ball changed hands twice, and a | | | | mouths. |
| whole lot of tackling, smashing, crunching | | | | |
| and finger-breaking happened. | | | | At halftime I got a chance to go to the |
| | | | bathroom and grab another cold beer and more |
| Football is more of an immediate | | | | snacks. There is never a big break in |
| gratification, ADD-friendly game to watch. | | | | baseball, and every time I go to the bathroom |
| | | | while watching baseball I always miss the big |
| I glanced back at the MLB game for a couple | | | | play, which of course happened this time too. |
| of minutes. Two strikeouts and four fly outs | | | | |
| came and went and we were already in the | | | | My MLB game continued to plod along when I |
| second inning, with little action to show for | | | | got back, inducing the unique ball-strike-out |
| it. A baseball game is more of a wise-old-man | | | | hypnotic state that only baseball can cause. |
| kind of sport, where patience and | | | | I was about to doze off when I was jarred out |
| number-crunching are paramount. It reveres | | | | of my trance by the flashy touchdown dance I |
| serenity. | | | | saw on my other TV. The guy who just scored |
| | | | was moonwalking across the uprights while |
| Football reveres mayhem. Watching football | | | | flapping his arms like wings. He then |
| gets me angry and all charged up. Watching | | | | proceeded to do a magnificent swan dive which |
| baseball makes me sleepy. In fact, I usually | | | | turned into a double summersault with a twist |
| like to watch the first two or three innings, | | | | and finally landed perfectly on the field. |
| fall asleep, and then wake up to catch the | | | | |
| last few innings. Watching football players | | | | I then quickly caught the replay of the big |
| hit each other full force and light each | | | | baseball play I had just missed. Someone hit |
| other up is exciting, and dozing is out of | | | | a grand slam, rounded the bases and was |
| the question. Watching one grown man with | | | | greeted by a big, warm, bouncing-in-unison |
| ball in glove chase another grown man to tag | | | | group hug. |
| him in a pickle is kind of funny. | | | | |
| | | | After a while, both games ended and I had |
| As 10,000 commercials played on the football | | | | experienced a full range of emotions. Both |
| TV, I had a few minutes to catch up on my MLB | | | | games are great to watch and if you can get |
| game. Finally, in the bottom of the third, a | | | | past the roller coaster ride of stimulation, |
| man hit the ball and dropped it in the right | | | | watching football and baseball simultaneously |
| field gap for a single. All the baseball | | | | is a blast. I decided to keep both plasma |
| players, including the guy running up to | | | | TV's in front of the couch permanently |
| first base, seemed quite pleasant. Why not | | | | |
| be? They were playing in a nice park, on a | | | | Finally, no football vs. baseball article |
| nice warm and sunny day and no one had even | | | | could be complete without mentioning one of |
| broken a sweat yet. The batter reached first | | | | the masters of comedy and this subject, |
| base and started chatting with the opposing | | | | George Carlin. Here's a quote from Carlin's |
| team's first baseman. They started smiling | | | | famous monologue that inspired this article: |
| and having a great time with each other. My | | | | |
| lip-reading skills are not what they used to | | | | "And finally, the objectives of the two games |
| be but I think I saw one say to the other, | | | | are completely different: |
| "Hi Johnny! How's the wife doing? It's been a | | | | |
| while since we saw her. We've got to get | | | | In football the object is for the |
| together sometime soon." | | | | quarterback, also known as the field general, |
| | | | to be on target with his aerial assault, |
| Growing restless, I turned back to the NFL | | | | riddling the defense by hitting his receivers |
| game just in time to see one man standing | | | | with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, |
| over a writhing and groaning man on the turf. | | | | even if he has to use shotgun. With short |
| I think I saw his lips yelling, "Hey Bruno, | | | | bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his |
| while we were having breakfast together this | | | | troops into enemy territory, balancing this |
| morning, your wife told me to tackle you into | | | | aerial assault with a sustained ground attack |
| next Tuesday, did I do a good job?" | | | | that punches holes in the forward wall of the |
| | | | enemy's defensive line. In baseball the |
| In the very next play a running back was | | | | object is to go home! And to be safe! - I |
| nailed in a bone-splitting tackle. Indeed, | | | | hope I'll be safe at home! |