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Don't Nag: Nurture to Develop Independence

Don't  Nag:  Nurture  to Develop Independenceof successful students and successful adults.
Individuals who do well in life do their
14th  March  2007work first, and they reward themselves with
play  activities.
Author:  Dr.  Randy  Cale
And implementing this work then play
HOW  TO  CREATE  A  DEPENDENT  CHILD!approach, I find that it is the most simple,
yet powerful strategy that you can implement
I believe I can best explain this through anto nurture independence with your children.
example. I recently had two families in myKids learn to embrace their responsibilities
office, both struggling with twelve andquickly and easily, this rapidly becomes a
thirteen year old children who appeared sadhabit.
and withdrawn. In order to get them out of
bed, parents were engaged in an hour longPrinciple 4: Ignore anything you don't want
process of repeatedly nagging and pushing andto  nurture!
prodding, ultimately leading to yelling and
threatening the children. Often, parentsImagine this. You've set up your world so
were taking the children to school after theythat the kids understand that they must do
missed  the  bus.their work, and then they can play. They
come home from school, and they begin to
Homework routines were even more depressing.waste time. As long as the playroom is
Historically, these parents had remindedlocked, the computer and video are not
their children to get their homework done.accessible, they cannot call their friends,
When struggling, the parents would sit down,and they are not going to soccer practice,
and spend hours with the children workingtheir world becomes pretty boring. Let them
through homework difficulties. Whenever thebe bored. Let them complain. Let them talk
children would ask any question, the parentabout how unfair it is. Let them drone on
would sit down and then walk the childand on, until they decide that it's simply
through  finding  an  answer.smart  to  get  their  work  done.
The mistake: Most parents believe thatAs soon as they begin to do their work, go to
children will "get it" at some point andprinciple  5!
start  to  do  these  things  on  their  own.
Principle 5: Catch them while they're doing
The facts: Children don't "get it." Parentswhat  you  want!
must take a leadership role by modeling and
demonstrating  healthy  behavior.Once again, I am reiterating a simple
concept. When your children are starting to
So if you want to create a dependent childget out of bed, notice them. When they are
who is ill prepared for the independence thatpulling on their socks, say good morning.
comes with their teenage years, simply keepWhen they start to pick up their pencil to do
pushing and prodding, and keep nagging themtheir homework, ask them if they want some
to get their homework done and to get out ofjuice. As they are working on their math,
bed. As they get older, you'll find that youcompliment  them  on  their  hard  work.
are working harder and harder and they have
become more and more difficult and dependentCleaning off the table, notice them.
upon  your  efforts.Answering the phone respectfully, notice
them. Playing cooperatively with their
A good rule of thumb is this: If you findsibling,  REALLY  notice  them.
that you are working harder than they are for
their success, then you are heading down theOBSESS on noticing them when they are doing
wrong  path! Guaranteed!what  you  want!
SO....HOW DO YOU NURTURE INDEPENDENT CHILREN?This is very simple stuff! Just engage them
while they're doing what it is that you want
*********************************them to do. Do this consistently and
repeatedly, just as if you were starting a
You probably have a strong suspicion basednew lawn. After you seed a lawn, you have to
upon the foregoing discussion. Yet there aregive it lots of water and lots of attention
five principles that you can apply tofor several weeks. As the lawn begins to
dramatically  impact  this  process.grow, you can begin to cut back on the water.
As the lawn matures, you only need to water
Principle  1: Have  faith!periodically. Think of growing and nurturing
healthy  behaviors  in  the  same  fashion.
That's right. The most important principle
is to have faith in your child, and to haveLet's  start  from  the  top!
faith in the natural ability for children to
learn from the consequences of their actions.Of course you have faith. This is faith in
Children are not stupid, and yet we oftenyour child's ability to learn, and faith in
treat them that way, by repeatedly making thetheir ability to handle the pain that comes
same  request  over  and  over.from the consequences of failure. It is also
faith in their ability to learn from the
If you have to repeat your request five andconsequences  that  come  with  success.
ten times, the problem is not a learning
problem, the problem is a parenting problem.Next, stop pushing. Stop prodding. Stop
Children  are  simply  not  stupid.encouraging. Stop nagging. Stop herding.
Just  plain  stop.
Teaching kids that they need us to get
through daily activities is like teachingNext, set up a structure that automatically
them that they are handicapped in someencourages children to begin to take care of
way....they learn to believe that they can'ttheir responsibilities. Make work, then
do it on their own. Regardless of how manyplay, the rule everyday. With this "rule" in
times you say it, they will not grow toplace, there is very little need to engage in
believe it.....if you allow them to grow morecontrolling  types  of  behaviors.
dependent  upon  you  as  a  parent.
Make a commitment to ignore the stuff you
So the first step is to have faith in yourwant to see less of. Be patient, as it takes
child's ability to learn, and to allow thema  few  weeks  to  starve  a  lousy behavior!
to have the opportunity to learn key life
lessons  on  their  own.Finally, make sure that you catch them when
they begin to engage in responsible behavior.
Principle 2: Your words rarely teach.Simply notice it. Touch them, smile,
Consequences  teach.comment about the weather, and comment on
their activity...just engage them in any
Let's think about this in a very simple way.fashion.
If your words were effective at teaching
children to get out of bed, then you wouldn'tFollowing this simply process will turn
have to yell and scream. You wouldn't havethings around in ways that will surprise and
to ask ten times. You wouldn't have to enddelight  you.
up  doing  this  over  and  over.
Oh, and remember the families that I
Plan and simple: Your words won't teachdiscussed initially? Both of these sets of
until  the  consequences  reach  their world.parents were seeking intervention for their
children. Yet, when parents pulled back,
And yet there's an important caveat tostopped pushing and prodding, and allowed
remember here. With the right use of choicestheir kids to learn from their mistakes,
and consequences, your words begin to play aguess  what  happened!
HUGE role in teaching. It's just simply that
you can't teach a child to hit a baseballThings changed. Their kids began to get out
without getting on the field and learningof bed on their own, and to get themselves
from their mistakes. With that learningready for school. Yea, they missed the bus a
however, then the proper coaching can make acouple  of  times. But  they began to learn.
tremendous  difference. Make  sense??
And they began to smile, when they finished
So how do you use this principle? You usetheir homework. They began to take ownership
this principle by making certain that therefor their studies. When they actually
is some form of consequence that is presentcompleted homework, and they did it on their
with  your  request.own, and they owned every bit of their
homework. If they got a B, it was their B.
This discussion needs more detail, and yetIf they got an F, it was their F. They were
the key concept here is simple andable  to  own  it.
straightforward. Let the consequences teach,
not  your  words.And what happens when this unfolds is that
children and adolescents get happier...their
Principle  3: Work  then  play! Everyday!life appears lighter, and they are more
engaging.
For those of you who read the homework
newsletter series, I reviewed this concept inBoth sets of parents were surprised when they
detail. The basic notion is this. Set yourdid not need to bring their adolescents in
child's world up in a manner that they mustfor therapy, but rather found that their life
first get their work done (i.e., homework andwas easier, their kids were more responsible,
responsibilities) and then they can playand  everyone  was  happier.
(i.e., have TV, video, computer, telephone,
access to friends, soccer practice, movies,While this isn't always the case, the burden
games  with  Mom  and  Dad,  etc.).of being a dependent child is often
depressing  to  the  developing  adolescent.
In other words, simply set up a world where
your child is not allowed to have access toI'm often amazed by our tendency to want to
all of the wonderful goodies you provide formake the rules and requirements of life more
them, until their "work" is completed. Docomplex than they really are. The more
this everyday, including Saturday and Sundaycomplex we make the rules, the more difficult
mornings. Just make it a fact of life. Weit is to live by the rules, and the more
do  our  work,  and  then  we  play.often  we  fail.
Why is this so important? It's important forWith this simple set of guidelines, you may
two reasons. First, it establishes abe amazed at how much easier and more
structure that allows the play activities tocomfortable  life  can  become  at  home.
be an immediate consequence and reward for
getting one's work done. It is a constantAs with everything I offer in these
pull that tugs at children in order to getnewsletters, I encourage you to take a "let's
them into their work activities. This is atry it and see" approach. In other words,
substitute for you trying to push, prod, nag,you don't have to trust me. Simply put this
and  force  them  into  these  activities.in place for eight weeks, and then decided
for yourself.
Secondly, this is simply a fundamental habit



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