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Article #33: Don't Nag: Nurture to Develop Independence

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Don't Nag: Nurture to Develop Secondly, this is simply a fundamental
Independence habit of successful students and
14th March 2007 successful adults. Individuals who do
Author: Dr. Randy Cale well in life do their work first, and
HOW TO CREATE A DEPENDENT CHILD! they reward themselves with play
I believe I can best explain this through activities.
an example. I recently had two families And implementing this work then play
in my office, both struggling with twelve approach, I find that it is the most
and thirteen year old children who simple, yet powerful strategy that you
appeared sad and withdrawn. In order to can implement to nurture independence
get them out of bed, parents were engaged with your children. Kids learn to
in an hour long process of repeatedly embrace their responsibilities quickly
nagging and pushing and prodding, and easily, this rapidly becomes a habit.
ultimately leading to yelling and Principle 4: Ignore anything you don't
threatening the children. Often, parents want to nurture!
were taking the children to school after Imagine this. You've set up your world
they missed the bus. so that the kids understand that they
Homework routines were even more must do their work, and then they can
depressing. Historically, these parents play. They come home from school, and
had reminded their children to get their they begin to waste time. As long as the
homework done. When struggling, the playroom is locked, the computer and
parents would sit down, and spend hours video are not accessible, they cannot
with the children working through call their friends, and they are not
homework difficulties. Whenever the going to soccer practice, their world
children would ask any question, the becomes pretty boring. Let them be
parent would sit down and then walk the bored. Let them complain. Let them talk
child through finding an answer. about how unfair it is. Let them drone
The mistake: Most parents believe that on and on, until they decide that it's
children will "get it" at some point and simply smart to get their work done.
start to do these things on their own. As soon as they begin to do their work,
The facts: Children don't "get it." go to principle 5!
Parents must take a leadership role by Principle 5: Catch them while they're
modeling and demonstrating healthy doing what you want!
behavior. Once again, I am reiterating a simple
So if you want to create a dependent concept. When your children are starting
child who is ill prepared for the to get out of bed, notice them. When
independence that comes with their they are pulling on their socks, say good
teenage years, simply keep pushing and morning. When they start to pick up
prodding, and keep nagging them to get their pencil to do their homework, ask
their homework done and to get out of them if they want some juice. As they
bed. As they get older, you'll find that are working on their math, compliment
you are working harder and harder and them on their hard work.
they have become more and more difficult Cleaning off the table, notice them.
and dependent upon your efforts. Answering the phone respectfully, notice
A good rule of thumb is this: If you them. Playing cooperatively with their
find that you are working harder than sibling, REALLY notice them.
they are for their success, then you are OBSESS on noticing them when they are
heading down the wrong path! Guaranteed! doing what you want!
SO....HOW DO YOU NURTURE INDEPENDENT This is very simple stuff! Just engage
CHILREN? them while they're doing what it is that
********************************* you want them to do. Do this
You probably have a strong suspicion consistently and repeatedly, just as if
based upon the foregoing discussion. Yet you were starting a new lawn. After you
there are five principles that you can seed a lawn, you have to give it lots of
apply to dramatically impact this water and lots of attention for several
process. weeks. As the lawn begins to grow, you
Principle 1: Have faith! can begin to cut back on the water. As
That's right. The most important the lawn matures, you only need to water
principle is to have faith in your child, periodically. Think of growing and
and to have faith in the natural ability nurturing healthy behaviors in the same
for children to learn from the fashion.
consequences of their actions. Children Let's start from the top!
are not stupid, and yet we often treat Of course you have faith. This is faith
them that way, by repeatedly making the in your child's ability to learn, and
same request over and over. faith in their ability to handle the pain
If you have to repeat your request five that comes from the consequences of
and ten times, the problem is not a failure. It is also faith in their
learning problem, the problem is a ability to learn from the consequences
parenting problem. Children are simply that come with success.
not stupid. Next, stop pushing. Stop prodding. Stop
Teaching kids that they need us to get encouraging. Stop nagging. Stop
through daily activities is like teaching herding. Just plain stop.
them that they are handicapped in some Next, set up a structure that
way....they learn to believe that they automatically encourages children to
can't do it on their own. Regardless of begin to take care of their
how many times you say it, they will not responsibilities. Make work, then play,
grow to believe it.....if you allow them the rule everyday. With this "rule" in
to grow more dependent upon you as a place, there is very little need to
parent. engage in controlling types of behaviors.
So the first step is to have faith in Make a commitment to ignore the stuff you
your child's ability to learn, and to want to see less of. Be patient, as it
allow them to have the opportunity to takes a few weeks to starve a lousy
learn key life lessons on their own. behavior!
Principle 2: Your words rarely teach. Finally, make sure that you catch them
Consequences teach. when they begin to engage in responsible
Let's think about this in a very simple behavior. Simply notice it. Touch them,
way. If your words were effective at smile, comment about the weather, and
teaching children to get out of bed, then comment on their activity...just engage
you wouldn't have to yell and scream. them in any fashion.
You wouldn't have to ask ten times. You Following this simply process will turn
wouldn't have to end up doing this over things around in ways that will surprise
and over. and delight you.
Plan and simple: Your words won't teach Oh, and remember the families that I
until the consequences reach their world. discussed initially? Both of these sets
And yet there's an important caveat to of parents were seeking intervention for
remember here. With the right use of their children. Yet, when parents pulled
choices and consequences, your words back, stopped pushing and prodding, and
begin to play a HUGE role in teaching. allowed their kids to learn from their
It's just simply that you can't teach a mistakes, guess what happened!
child to hit a baseball without getting Things changed. Their kids began to get
on the field and learning from their out of bed on their own, and to get
mistakes. With that learning however, themselves ready for school. Yea, they
then the proper coaching can make a missed the bus a couple of times. But
tremendous difference. Make sense?? they began to learn.
So how do you use this principle? You And they began to smile, when they
use this principle by making certain that finished their homework. They began to
there is some form of consequence that is take ownership for their studies. When
present with your request. they actually completed homework, and
This discussion needs more detail, and they did it on their own, and they owned
yet the key concept here is simple and every bit of their homework. If they got
straightforward. Let the consequences a B, it was their B. If they got an F,
teach, not your words. it was their F. They were able to own
Principle 3: Work then play! Everyday! it.
For those of you who read the homework And what happens when this unfolds is
newsletter series, I reviewed this that children and adolescents get
concept in detail. The basic notion is happier...their life appears lighter, and
this. Set your child's world up in a they are more engaging.
manner that they must first get their Both sets of parents were surprised when
work done (i.e., homework and they did not need to bring their
responsibilities) and then they can play adolescents in for therapy, but rather
(i.e., have TV, video, computer, found that their life was easier, their
telephone, access to friends, soccer kids were more responsible, and everyone
practice, movies, games with Mom and Dad, was happier.
etc.). While this isn't always the case, the
In other words, simply set up a world burden of being a dependent child is
where your child is not allowed to have often depressing to the developing
access to all of the wonderful goodies adolescent.
you provide for them, until their "work" I'm often amazed by our tendency to want
is completed. Do this everyday, to make the rules and requirements of
including Saturday and Sunday mornings. life more complex than they really are.
Just make it a fact of life. We do our The more complex we make the rules, the
work, and then we play. more difficult it is to live by the
Why is this so important? It's important rules, and the more often we fail.
for two reasons. First, it establishes a With this simple set of guidelines, you
structure that allows the play activities may be amazed at how much easier and more
to be an immediate consequence and reward comfortable life can become at home.
for getting one's work done. It is a As with everything I offer in these
constant pull that tugs at children in newsletters, I encourage you to take a
order to get them into their work "let's try it and see" approach. In
activities. This is a substitute for you other words, you don't have to trust me.
trying to push, prod, nag, and force them Simply put this in place for eight weeks,
into these activities. and then decided for yourself.






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