Don't Nag: Nurture to Develop Independence

Don't Nag: Nurture to Develop IndependenceSecondly, this is simply a fundamental habit of
14th March 2007successful students and successful adults.
Author: Dr. Randy CaleIndividuals who do well in life do their work first,
HOW TO CREATE A DEPENDENT CHILD!and they reward themselves with play activities.
I believe I can best explain this through anAnd implementing this work then play approach, I
example. I recently had two families in my office,find that it is the most simple, yet powerful
both struggling with twelve and thirteen year oldstrategy that you can implement to nurture
children who appeared sad and withdrawn. Inindependence with your children. Kids learn to
order to get them out of bed, parents wereembrace their responsibilities quickly and easily,
engaged in an hour long process of repeatedlythis rapidly becomes a habit.
nagging and pushing and prodding, ultimatelyPrinciple 4: Ignore anything you don't want to
leading to yelling and threatening the children.nurture!
Often, parents were taking the children to schoolImagine this. You've set up your world so that
after they missed the bus.the kids understand that they must do their
Homework routines were even more depressing.work, and then they can play. They come home
Historically, these parents had reminded theirfrom school, and they begin to waste time. As
children to get their homework done. Whenlong as the playroom is locked, the computer and
struggling, the parents would sit down, and spendvideo are not accessible, they cannot call their
hours with the children working throughfriends, and they are not going to soccer practice,
homework difficulties. Whenever the childrentheir world becomes pretty boring. Let them be
would ask any question, the parent would sitbored. Let them complain. Let them talk about
down and then walk the child through finding anhow unfair it is. Let them drone on and on, until
answer.they decide that it's simply smart to get their
The mistake: Most parents believe that children willwork done.
"get it" at some point and start to do these thingsAs soon as they begin to do their work, go to
on their own.principle 5!
The facts: Children don't "get it." Parents mustPrinciple 5: Catch them while they're doing what
take a leadership role by modeling andyou want!
demonstrating healthy behavior.Once again, I am reiterating a simple concept.
So if you want to create a dependent child who isWhen your children are starting to get out of bed,
ill prepared for the independence that comes withnotice them. When they are pulling on their socks,
their teenage years, simply keep pushing andsay good morning. When they start to pick up
prodding, and keep nagging them to get theirtheir pencil to do their homework, ask them if
homework done and to get out of bed. As theythey want some juice. As they are working on
get older, you'll find that you are working hardertheir math, compliment them on their hard work.
and harder and they have become more andCleaning off the table, notice them. Answering the
more difficult and dependent upon your efforts.phone respectfully, notice them. Playing
A good rule of thumb is this: If you find that youcooperatively with their sibling, REALLY notice
are working harder than they are for theirthem.
success, then you are heading down the wrongOBSESS on noticing them when they are doing
path! Guaranteed!what you want!
SO....HOW DO YOU NURTURE INDEPENDENTThis is very simple stuff! Just engage them while
CHILREN?they're doing what it is that you want them to do.
*********************************Do this consistently and repeatedly, just as if you
You probably have a strong suspicion based uponwere starting a new lawn. After you seed a lawn,
the foregoing discussion. Yet there are fiveyou have to give it lots of water and lots of
principles that you can apply to dramaticallyattention for several weeks. As the lawn begins
impact this process.to grow, you can begin to cut back on the water.
Principle 1: Have faith!As the lawn matures, you only need to water
That's right. The most important principle is toperiodically. Think of growing and nurturing healthy
have faith in your child, and to have faith in thebehaviors in the same fashion.
natural ability for children to learn from theLet's start from the top!
consequences of their actions. Children are notOf course you have faith. This is faith in your
stupid, and yet we often treat them that way,child's ability to learn, and faith in their ability to
by repeatedly making the same request over andhandle the pain that comes from the
over.consequences of failure. It is also faith in their
If you have to repeat your request five and tenability to learn from the consequences that come
times, the problem is not a learning problem, thewith success.
problem is a parenting problem. Children are simplyNext, stop pushing. Stop prodding. Stop
not stupid.encouraging. Stop nagging. Stop herding. Just plain
Teaching kids that they need us to get throughstop.
daily activities is like teaching them that they areNext, set up a structure that automatically
handicapped in some way....they learn to believeencourages children to begin to take care of their
that they can't do it on their own. Regardless ofresponsibilities. Make work, then play, the rule
how many times you say it, they will not grow toeveryday. With this "rule" in place, there is very
believe it.....if you allow them to grow morelittle need to engage in controlling types of
dependent upon you as a parent.behaviors.
So the first step is to have faith in your child'sMake a commitment to ignore the stuff you want
ability to learn, and to allow them to have theto see less of. Be patient, as it takes a few
opportunity to learn key life lessons on their own.weeks to starve a lousy behavior!
Principle 2: Your words rarely teach.Finally, make sure that you catch them when
Consequences teach.they begin to engage in responsible behavior.
Let's think about this in a very simple way. IfSimply notice it. Touch them, smile, comment
your words were effective at teaching children toabout the weather, and comment on their
get out of bed, then you wouldn't have to yellactivity...just engage them in any fashion.
and scream. You wouldn't have to ask ten times.Following this simply process will turn things around
You wouldn't have to end up doing this over andin ways that will surprise and delight you.
over.Oh, and remember the families that I discussed
Plan and simple: Your words won't teach until theinitially? Both of these sets of parents were
consequences reach their world.seeking intervention for their children. Yet, when
And yet there's an important caveat toparents pulled back, stopped pushing and prodding,
remember here. With the right use of choices andand allowed their kids to learn from their
consequences, your words begin to play a HUGEmistakes, guess what happened!
role in teaching. It's just simply that you can'tThings changed. Their kids began to get out of
teach a child to hit a baseball without getting onbed on their own, and to get themselves ready
the field and learning from their mistakes. Withfor school. Yea, they missed the bus a couple of
that learning however, then the proper coachingtimes. But they began to learn.
can make a tremendous difference. Make sense??And they began to smile, when they finished their
So how do you use this principle? You use thishomework. They began to take ownership for
principle by making certain that there is sometheir studies. When they actually completed
form of consequence that is present with yourhomework, and they did it on their own, and they
request.owned every bit of their homework. If they got
This discussion needs more detail, and yet thea B, it was their B. If they got an F, it was their F.
key concept here is simple and straightforward.They were able to own it.
Let the consequences teach, not your words.And what happens when this unfolds is that
Principle 3: Work then play! Everyday!children and adolescents get happier...their life
For those of you who read the homeworkappears lighter, and they are more engaging.
newsletter series, I reviewed this concept in detail.Both sets of parents were surprised when they
The basic notion is this. Set your child's world up indid not need to bring their adolescents in for
a manner that they must first get their worktherapy, but rather found that their life was
done (i.e., homework and responsibilities) and theneasier, their kids were more responsible, and
they can play (i.e., have TV, video, computer,everyone was happier.
telephone, access to friends, soccer practice,While this isn't always the case, the burden of
movies, games with Mom and Dad, etc.).being a dependent child is often depressing to the
In other words, simply set up a world where yourdeveloping adolescent.
child is not allowed to have access to all of theI'm often amazed by our tendency to want to
wonderful goodies you provide for them, untilmake the rules and requirements of life more
their "work" is completed. Do this everyday,complex than they really are. The more complex
including Saturday and Sunday mornings. Justwe make the rules, the more difficult it is to live
make it a fact of life. We do our work, and thenby the rules, and the more often we fail.
we play.With this simple set of guidelines, you may be
Why is this so important? It's important for twoamazed at how much easier and more
reasons. First, it establishes a structure that allowscomfortable life can become at home.
the play activities to be an immediateAs with everything I offer in these newsletters, I
consequence and reward for getting one's workencourage you to take a "let's try it and see"
done. It is a constant pull that tugs at children inapproach. In other words, you don't have to trust
order to get them into their work activities. Thisme. Simply put this in place for eight weeks, and
is a substitute for you trying to push, prod, nag,then decided for yourself.
and force them into these activities.