Don't Nag: Nurture to Develop Independence

Don't Nag: Nurture to Develop Independence				of successful students and successful adults.
				Individuals who do well in life do their
14th March 2007				work first, and they reward themselves with
				play activities.
Author: Dr. Randy Cale
				And implementing this work then play
HOW TO CREATE A DEPENDENT CHILD!				approach, I find that it is the most simple,
				yet powerful strategy that you can implement
I believe I can best explain this through an				to nurture independence with your children.
example. I recently had two families in my				Kids learn to embrace their responsibilities
office, both struggling with twelve and				quickly and easily, this rapidly becomes a
thirteen year old children who appeared sad				habit.
and withdrawn. In order to get them out of
bed, parents were engaged in an hour long				Principle 4: Ignore anything you don't want
process of repeatedly nagging and pushing and				to nurture!
prodding, ultimately leading to yelling and
threatening the children. Often, parents				Imagine this. You've set up your world so
were taking the children to school after they				that the kids understand that they must do
missed the bus.				their work, and then they can play. They
				come home from school, and they begin to
Homework routines were even more depressing.				waste time. As long as the playroom is
Historically, these parents had reminded				locked, the computer and video are not
their children to get their homework done.				accessible, they cannot call their friends,
When struggling, the parents would sit down,				and they are not going to soccer practice,
and spend hours with the children working				their world becomes pretty boring. Let them
through homework difficulties. Whenever the				be bored. Let them complain. Let them talk
children would ask any question, the parent				about how unfair it is. Let them drone on
would sit down and then walk the child				and on, until they decide that it's simply
through finding an answer.				smart to get their work done.

The mistake: Most parents believe that				As soon as they begin to do their work, go to
children will "get it" at some point and				principle 5!
start to do these things on their own.
				Principle 5: Catch them while they're doing
The facts: Children don't "get it." Parents				what you want!
must take a leadership role by modeling and
demonstrating healthy behavior.				Once again, I am reiterating a simple
				concept. When your children are starting to
So if you want to create a dependent child				get out of bed, notice them. When they are
who is ill prepared for the independence that				pulling on their socks, say good morning.
comes with their teenage years, simply keep				When they start to pick up their pencil to do
pushing and prodding, and keep nagging them				their homework, ask them if they want some
to get their homework done and to get out of				juice. As they are working on their math,
bed. As they get older, you'll find that you				compliment them on their hard work.
are working harder and harder and they have
become more and more difficult and dependent				Cleaning off the table, notice them.
upon your efforts.				Answering the phone respectfully, notice
				them. Playing cooperatively with their
A good rule of thumb is this: If you find				sibling, REALLY notice them.
that you are working harder than they are for
their success, then you are heading down the				OBSESS on noticing them when they are doing
wrong path! Guaranteed!				what you want!

SO....HOW DO YOU NURTURE INDEPENDENT CHILREN?				This is very simple stuff! Just engage them
				while they're doing what it is that you want
*********************************				them to do. Do this consistently and
				repeatedly, just as if you were starting a
You probably have a strong suspicion based				new lawn. After you seed a lawn, you have to
upon the foregoing discussion. Yet there are				give it lots of water and lots of attention
five principles that you can apply to				for several weeks. As the lawn begins to
dramatically impact this process.				grow, you can begin to cut back on the water.
				As the lawn matures, you only need to water
Principle 1: Have faith!				periodically. Think of growing and nurturing
				healthy behaviors in the same fashion.
That's right. The most important principle
is to have faith in your child, and to have				Let's start from the top!
faith in the natural ability for children to
learn from the consequences of their actions.				Of course you have faith. This is faith in
Children are not stupid, and yet we often				your child's ability to learn, and faith in
treat them that way, by repeatedly making the				their ability to handle the pain that comes
same request over and over.				from the consequences of failure. It is also
				faith in their ability to learn from the
If you have to repeat your request five and				consequences that come with success.
ten times, the problem is not a learning
problem, the problem is a parenting problem.				Next, stop pushing. Stop prodding. Stop
Children are simply not stupid.				encouraging. Stop nagging. Stop herding.
				Just plain stop.
Teaching kids that they need us to get
through daily activities is like teaching				Next, set up a structure that automatically
them that they are handicapped in some				encourages children to begin to take care of
way....they learn to believe that they can't				their responsibilities. Make work, then
do it on their own. Regardless of how many				play, the rule everyday. With this "rule" in
times you say it, they will not grow to				place, there is very little need to engage in
believe it.....if you allow them to grow more				controlling types of behaviors.
dependent upon you as a parent.
				Make a commitment to ignore the stuff you
So the first step is to have faith in your				want to see less of. Be patient, as it takes
child's ability to learn, and to allow them				a few weeks to starve a lousy behavior!
to have the opportunity to learn key life
lessons on their own.				Finally, make sure that you catch them when
				they begin to engage in responsible behavior.
Principle 2: Your words rarely teach.				Simply notice it. Touch them, smile,
Consequences teach.				comment about the weather, and comment on
				their activity...just engage them in any
Let's think about this in a very simple way.				fashion.
If your words were effective at teaching
children to get out of bed, then you wouldn't				Following this simply process will turn
have to yell and scream. You wouldn't have				things around in ways that will surprise and
to ask ten times. You wouldn't have to end				delight you.
up doing this over and over.
				Oh, and remember the families that I
Plan and simple: Your words won't teach				discussed initially? Both of these sets of
until the consequences reach their world.				parents were seeking intervention for their
				children. Yet, when parents pulled back,
And yet there's an important caveat to				stopped pushing and prodding, and allowed
remember here. With the right use of choices				their kids to learn from their mistakes,
and consequences, your words begin to play a				guess what happened!
HUGE role in teaching. It's just simply that
you can't teach a child to hit a baseball				Things changed. Their kids began to get out
without getting on the field and learning				of bed on their own, and to get themselves
from their mistakes. With that learning				ready for school. Yea, they missed the bus a
however, then the proper coaching can make a				couple of times. But they began to learn.
tremendous difference. Make sense??
				And they began to smile, when they finished
So how do you use this principle? You use				their homework. They began to take ownership
this principle by making certain that there				for their studies. When they actually
is some form of consequence that is present				completed homework, and they did it on their
with your request.				own, and they owned every bit of their
				homework. If they got a B, it was their B.
This discussion needs more detail, and yet				If they got an F, it was their F. They were
the key concept here is simple and				able to own it.
straightforward. Let the consequences teach,
not your words.				And what happens when this unfolds is that
				children and adolescents get happier...their
Principle 3: Work then play! Everyday!				life appears lighter, and they are more
				engaging.
For those of you who read the homework
newsletter series, I reviewed this concept in				Both sets of parents were surprised when they
detail. The basic notion is this. Set your				did not need to bring their adolescents in
child's world up in a manner that they must				for therapy, but rather found that their life
first get their work done (i.e., homework and				was easier, their kids were more responsible,
responsibilities) and then they can play				and everyone was happier.
(i.e., have TV, video, computer, telephone,
access to friends, soccer practice, movies,				While this isn't always the case, the burden
games with Mom and Dad, etc.).				of being a dependent child is often
				depressing to the developing adolescent.
In other words, simply set up a world where
your child is not allowed to have access to				I'm often amazed by our tendency to want to
all of the wonderful goodies you provide for				make the rules and requirements of life more
them, until their "work" is completed. Do				complex than they really are. The more
this everyday, including Saturday and Sunday				complex we make the rules, the more difficult
mornings. Just make it a fact of life. We				it is to live by the rules, and the more
do our work, and then we play.				often we fail.

Why is this so important? It's important for				With this simple set of guidelines, you may
two reasons. First, it establishes a				be amazed at how much easier and more
structure that allows the play activities to				comfortable life can become at home.
be an immediate consequence and reward for
getting one's work done. It is a constant				As with everything I offer in these
pull that tugs at children in order to get				newsletters, I encourage you to take a "let's
them into their work activities. This is a				try it and see" approach. In other words,
substitute for you trying to push, prod, nag,				you don't have to trust me. Simply put this
and force them into these activities.				in place for eight weeks, and then decided
				for yourself.
Secondly, this is simply a fundamental habit

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Don't Nag: Nurture to Develop Independence