| Copyright © 2007 Ed Bagley | | | | trying, I kicked him off the team and found |
| Sometimes as parents we forget how simple and | | | | someone else. |
| subtle the lessons in life can be. | | | | Two years later we won the league championship, |
| I was reminded of this yesterday afternoon when | | | | and when we did, I was surrounded by winners |
| I heard the cheering of youngsters playing a Little | | | | who had become my friends. I did not need my |
| League baseball game in the nearby city park. It is | | | | parents to do this for me, I did not need some |
| amazing when the noise of kids at play can carry | | | | meddling adult or juvenile counselor to do this for |
| the sound a half-block away and into the open | | | | me, I needed to do this for myself. |
| window of your living room. | | | | When I got the guys together and we took that |
| Little League baseball games can get noisy. Kids | | | | trophy down to Jewell Realty, we all shared in the |
| are excited when the bases are loaded and their | | | | excitement of being winners. Later that summer I |
| next hitter sends a screaming line drive into the | | | | would walk by Jewell Realty, see that trophy in |
| outfield. | | | | the window, and know who I was and what I had |
| They know that the outfielder will likely boot the | | | | become: a winner. Jewell Realty did not win that |
| ball, and as it gets by him on its merry way to | | | | trophy, I won that trophy, and I knew what it |
| the fence, all three players on base will score and | | | | would take to win another. |
| the hitter will probably come home safe with an | | | | Our parents never saw us play, they were too |
| inside-the-park home run and 4 ribbies (runs | | | | busy working. |
| batted in) to his credit. | | | | If someone had come around after that first |
| Ah, baseball, spring is in the air and summer is | | | | season and given each of us a trophy for losing, |
| approaching. | | | | we would not have accepted it. Think about it: the |
| The pure fun of sport is so normal and so natural | | | | message they would have been sending us was |
| to our human experience. | | | | we think you are so bad that you could never |
| I read a study once that interviewed hardened | | | | win a title, so in order to sooth your precious little |
| criminals spending life in prison for capital crimes, | | | | feelings, here is a trophy for being a loser. |
| such as murder. A psychologist asked inmates | | | | I think I would have spit in their face. I was that |
| what they missed most now that they were | | | | competitive. I might have been a 9 year old but I |
| spending the rest of their lives behind bars | | | | did not need some meddling parent setting goals |
| without possibility of parole. | | | | for me that I thought were so low I would trip on |
| The answer stunned me, and it should stun you | | | | them walking across the baseball diamond. |
| too. What they missed most was not their | | | | If you think a 9-year-old child cannot have some |
| girlfriend, or sex, or drinking, or drugging, or | | | | dignity, you are dead wrong, and have probably |
| gambling; it was the sound of kids playing. Perhaps | | | | been wrong about a lot of things in your life. |
| the one, real, positive memory they have of their | | | | Once we won that championship and experienced |
| life was when they were a child playing. | | | | our moment of victory, you could have taken |
| These are two compelling extremes: children at | | | | that trophy away and it would not have |
| play without a care in the world, and incarcerated | | | | mattered. I knew what I had sacrificed to win |
| criminals who are burdened with the reality that | | | | that trophy, and after all of the blood, sweat and |
| they will never again be free to play. | | | | tears, nothing any stupid parent or adult could do |
| With all of the violence we are now seeing with | | | | would have made me feel less about myself. I |
| youngsters who solve their supposed "problems" | | | | knew I was a winner, and I wasn't going to settle |
| by shooting their perceived "enemies" (many | | | | for anything less. |
| times friends and family), I am reminded that | | | | Parents, if you do not understand one thing in |
| some of our children today seem less able to | | | | raising your children, understand this: if your child |
| cope with adversity, and even less so with | | | | goes through his or her entire schooling period |
| patience. | | | | (kindergarten through high school graduation) and |
| How is it that they clearly lack coping skills and | | | | never experiences real success at anything at |
| patience, two necessary traits for survival as an | | | | least one day is his or her life, your child will be |
| adult? | | | | handicapped for life. Nothing could be more |
| It will take someone a lot smarter than me to | | | | arcane, stupid and bovine. |
| give you the right answer to this question. | | | | Don't you dare try to prevent your child from |
| I will leave that answer to what some educated | | | | failing. Let them try and when they fail, pick them |
| professionals who study psychology think. | | | | up, dust them off, and encourage them to try |
| In the meantime, I choose not to tell you what I | | | | again. It is in failing that we learn to succeed. |
| think, but to share with you what I know. | | | | If you as a parent cannot be a winner in your |
| Here is one thing about Little League baseball that | | | | own pathetic life, if all you have to offer is whining |
| is being taught by some parents and some | | | | and complaining about this and that, and |
| leaders in some organizations that is really not | | | | bemoaning how your child is treated, then get the |
| worth teaching, and that is this: | | | | hell out of the way and let your child fail to |
| Certain organizations have adopted the misguided | | | | ultimately win on his own. |
| practice of rewarding every kid on each team | | | | Take a snapshot of two pictures. |
| regardless of their effort or performance. In | | | | In one a child is given a trophy, a team photo and |
| other words, a team can lose every game all | | | | a baseball card with his picture on it featuring a |
| year and each kid gets a trophy for participating, | | | | loser who accomplished nothing. In the other |
| a team picture and his or her own baseball card | | | | snapshot, a child is given only a trophy, or the |
| with their mug on it. | | | | team is given one trophy to admire, because |
| Apparently some parents do not want to hurt | | | | they have worked their butts off, improved their |
| their child's feelings even though the child makes | | | | skills, played their hearts out, taken risks and won |
| little effort, is clearly incompetent at improving on | | | | a league title. Which is your child? |
| any skills of the game, does not understand the | | | | Any child who has worked to get to the top of |
| game, and really could care less. | | | | the mountain, and experiences the sheer joy of |
| I doubt the parents in the example given have a | | | | competing and winning, is someone who will go |
| clue about the lessons they are teaching their | | | | much farther in life. |
| children by insisting on this foolish practice of | | | | I can tell you from experience in hiring that there |
| making their child feel like he or she has | | | | is an incredible correlation between having athletic |
| accomplished something. | | | | success at the high school or college level and |
| First, they are encouraging mediocrity by | | | | success later in life. The reason is simple: winners |
| rewarding nothingness. Practice this stupidity a | | | | win and losers don't. |
| few more generations and we will have our | | | | Do not misunderstand what I am sharing here. It |
| children thinking they can show up to work as an | | | | is not that you cannot win bigger and better in life |
| adult, do nothing and get paid for their lack of | | | | unless you are a successful athlete in your youth, |
| skills, effort and production. | | | | it is that you need to have a sense of |
| Second, they are rewarding children for having no | | | | accomplishment and recognition doing something |
| concept of goal-setting and achieving goals. The | | | | that takes hard work, dedication, effort and goals. |
| parents are not encouraging any concept of | | | | It could be singing, it could be acting, it could be |
| self-improvement and providing no incentive to do | | | | playing a musical instrument; suffice to say any |
| so. | | | | activity that allows you to fail, learn, improve and |
| Third, they are teaching no learning skills in how to | | | | succeed over a period of time. |
| cope with failure, and not providing a shred of | | | | It certainly helps to have a strong father in the |
| understanding about the function of failing. Losers | | | | house to help teach his children what it is to be a |
| would be astonished to learn that successful | | | | winner, to learn coping skills, patience, hard work, |
| people have failed more than losers ever thought | | | | dedication, effort, improvement and success. A |
| of failing. | | | | strong single mother can do the same. |
| One of the big differences between losers and | | | | Do not play patty-cake with your children when |
| winners in the game of life is that when winners | | | | they are 9 years old, do not knowingly set them |
| fail, they get right back up, dust themselves off, | | | | up in life to fail, let them struggle and succeed. If |
| learn from the experience, and try again. | | | | you do not do this someday they will be adult and |
| Fourth, they devalue the kids who do work hard, | | | | not know how to act when they are put down, |
| fail and then succeed by rewarding a bunch of | | | | put upon, made fun of and beaten up emotionally. |
| kids who haul off and do nothing, learn nothing, | | | | They will figure it out if you do not protect them |
| and have no sense of real accomplishment. | | | | and their feelings so much they become helpless |
| I remember going door-to-door as a 9-year-old | | | | and inept. |
| kid, looking for a sponsor for a baseball team I | | | | They will learn to cope and be stronger for the |
| was putting together. I instinctively knew kids | | | | experience. When they reach adulthood they will |
| would want to be on my team if I could get | | | | be able to dismiss people around them who have |
| them a free baseball hat and shirt; we would then | | | | mediocre minds and are mental midgets. They will |
| look like a real team. I had played on a team that | | | | be polite as they treat these losers as irrelevant |
| had nothing; we could not afford uniforms, we | | | | (which they are) and be unaffected by their |
| were lucky to have a glove or borrow a glove. | | | | negative presence. |
| I found that sponsor, a business called Jewell | | | | Then they will move on quickly to be with the |
| Realty in Flint, Michigan. I found a sponsor because | | | | winners. It is the losers who are left standing |
| I was looking for a sponsor. The people that | | | | alone and wondering why. |
| owned that business were impressed that a | | | | Do not play to participate, play to win. It is not |
| 9-year-old kid would have the guts to walk all | | | | winning that is the be all to end all, it is that in the |
| over town and ask businesses to sponsor his | | | | process of winning we learn important skills that |
| rag-tag team. I put up with the nos and getting | | | | make us much more effective in playing and |
| kicked out of places because I wanted it that bad. | | | | winning in the game of life. After all, life is not a |
| The year was 1953 and we were terrible; we lost | | | | resting place; life is a testing place, it is now and |
| more games than we won. We were put upon, | | | | will continue to be as long as you live. |
| put down, slapped around and got the crap kicked | | | | A wise man said it and it bears repeating here: |
| out of us, but I never quit, and I made sure my | | | | When everyone is somebody then no one's |
| teammates didn't quit either. When someone quit | | | | anybody. |