| Copyright © 2007 Ed Bagley | | | | upon, put down, slapped around and got the |
| | | | crap kicked out of us, but I never quit, and |
| Sometimes as parents we forget how simple and | | | | I made sure my teammates didn't quit either. |
| subtle the lessons in life can be. | | | | When someone quit trying, I kicked him off |
| | | | the team and found someone else. |
| I was reminded of this yesterday afternoon | | | | |
| when I heard the cheering of youngsters | | | | Two years later we won the league |
| playing a Little League baseball game in the | | | | championship, and when we did, I was |
| nearby city park. It is amazing when the | | | | surrounded by winners who had become my |
| noise of kids at play can carry the sound a | | | | friends. I did not need my parents to do this |
| half-block away and into the open window of | | | | for me, I did not need some meddling adult or |
| your living room. | | | | juvenile counselor to do this for me, I |
| | | | needed to do this for myself. |
| Little League baseball games can get noisy. | | | | |
| Kids are excited when the bases are loaded | | | | When I got the guys together and we took that |
| and their next hitter sends a screaming line | | | | trophy down to Jewell Realty, we all shared |
| drive into the outfield. | | | | in the excitement of being winners. Later |
| | | | that summer I would walk by Jewell Realty, |
| They know that the outfielder will likely | | | | see that trophy in the window, and know who I |
| boot the ball, and as it gets by him on its | | | | was and what I had become: a winner. Jewell |
| merry way to the fence, all three players on | | | | Realty did not win that trophy, I won that |
| base will score and the hitter will probably | | | | trophy, and I knew what it would take to win |
| come home safe with an inside-the-park home | | | | another. |
| run and 4 ribbies (runs batted in) to his | | | | |
| credit. | | | | Our parents never saw us play, they were too |
| | | | busy working. |
| Ah, baseball, spring is in the air and summer | | | | |
| is approaching. | | | | If someone had come around after that first |
| | | | season and given each of us a trophy for |
| The pure fun of sport is so normal and so | | | | losing, we would not have accepted it. Think |
| natural to our human experience. | | | | about it: the message they would have been |
| | | | sending us was we think you are so bad that |
| I read a study once that interviewed hardened | | | | you could never win a title, so in order to |
| criminals spending life in prison for capital | | | | sooth your precious little feelings, here is |
| crimes, such as murder. A psychologist asked | | | | a trophy for being a loser. |
| inmates what they missed most now that they | | | | |
| were spending the rest of their lives behind | | | | I think I would have spit in their face. I |
| bars without possibility of parole. | | | | was that competitive. I might have been a 9 |
| | | | year old but I did not need some meddling |
| The answer stunned me, and it should stun you | | | | parent setting goals for me that I thought |
| too. What they missed most was not their | | | | were so low I would trip on them walking |
| girlfriend, or sex, or drinking, or drugging, | | | | across the baseball diamond. |
| or gambling; it was the sound of kids | | | | |
| playing. Perhaps the one, real, positive | | | | If you think a 9-year-old child cannot have |
| memory they have of their life was when they | | | | some dignity, you are dead wrong, and have |
| were a child playing. | | | | probably been wrong about a lot of things in |
| | | | your life. |
| These are two compelling extremes: children | | | | |
| at play without a care in the world, and | | | | Once we won that championship and experienced |
| incarcerated criminals who are burdened with | | | | our moment of victory, you could have taken |
| the reality that they will never again be | | | | that trophy away and it would not have |
| free to play. | | | | mattered. I knew what I had sacrificed to win |
| | | | that trophy, and after all of the blood, |
| With all of the violence we are now seeing | | | | sweat and tears, nothing any stupid parent or |
| with youngsters who solve their supposed | | | | adult could do would have made me feel less |
| "problems" by shooting their perceived | | | | about myself. I knew I was a winner, and I |
| "enemies" (many times friends and family), I | | | | wasn't going to settle for anything less. |
| am reminded that some of our children today | | | | |
| seem less able to cope with adversity, and | | | | Parents, if you do not understand one thing |
| even less so with patience. | | | | in raising your children, understand this: if |
| | | | your child goes through his or her entire |
| How is it that they clearly lack coping | | | | schooling period (kindergarten through high |
| skills and patience, two necessary traits for | | | | school graduation) and never experiences real |
| survival as an adult? | | | | success at anything at least one day is his |
| | | | or her life, your child will be handicapped |
| It will take someone a lot smarter than me to | | | | for life. Nothing could be more arcane, |
| give you the right answer to this question. | | | | stupid and bovine. |
| | | | |
| I will leave that answer to what some | | | | Don't you dare try to prevent your child from |
| educated professionals who study psychology | | | | failing. Let them try and when they fail, |
| think. | | | | pick them up, dust them off, and encourage |
| | | | them to try again. It is in failing that we |
| In the meantime, I choose not to tell you | | | | learn to succeed. |
| what I think, but to share with you what I | | | | |
| know. | | | | If you as a parent cannot be a winner in your |
| | | | own pathetic life, if all you have to offer |
| Here is one thing about Little League | | | | is whining and complaining about this and |
| baseball that is being taught by some parents | | | | that, and bemoaning how your child is |
| and some leaders in some organizations that | | | | treated, then get the hell out of the way and |
| is really not worth teaching, and that is | | | | let your child fail to ultimately win on his |
| this: | | | | own. |
| | | | |
| Certain organizations have adopted the | | | | Take a snapshot of two pictures. |
| misguided practice of rewarding every kid on | | | | |
| each team regardless of their effort or | | | | In one a child is given a trophy, a team |
| performance. In other words, a team can lose | | | | photo and a baseball card with his picture on |
| every game all year and each kid gets a | | | | it featuring a loser who accomplished |
| trophy for participating, a team picture and | | | | nothing. In the other snapshot, a child is |
| his or her own baseball card with their mug | | | | given only a trophy, or the team is given one |
| on it. | | | | trophy to admire, because they have worked |
| | | | their butts off, improved their skills, |
| Apparently some parents do not want to hurt | | | | played their hearts out, taken risks and won |
| their child's feelings even though the child | | | | a league title. Which is your child? |
| makes little effort, is clearly incompetent | | | | |
| at improving on any skills of the game, does | | | | Any child who has worked to get to the top of |
| not understand the game, and really could | | | | the mountain, and experiences the sheer joy |
| care less. | | | | of competing and winning, is someone who will |
| | | | go much farther in life. |
| I doubt the parents in the example given have | | | | |
| a clue about the lessons they are teaching | | | | I can tell you from experience in hiring that |
| their children by insisting on this foolish | | | | there is an incredible correlation between |
| practice of making their child feel like he | | | | having athletic success at the high school or |
| or she has accomplished something. | | | | college level and success later in life. The |
| | | | reason is simple: winners win and losers |
| First, they are encouraging mediocrity by | | | | don't. |
| rewarding nothingness. Practice this | | | | |
| stupidity a few more generations and we will | | | | Do not misunderstand what I am sharing here. |
| have our children thinking they can show up | | | | It is not that you cannot win bigger and |
| to work as an adult, do nothing and get paid | | | | better in life unless you are a successful |
| for their lack of skills, effort and | | | | athlete in your youth, it is that you need to |
| production. | | | | have a sense of accomplishment and |
| | | | recognition doing something that takes hard |
| Second, they are rewarding children for | | | | work, dedication, effort and goals. It could |
| having no concept of goal-setting and | | | | be singing, it could be acting, it could be |
| achieving goals. The parents are not | | | | playing a musical instrument; suffice to say |
| encouraging any concept of self-improvement | | | | any activity that allows you to fail, learn, |
| and providing no incentive to do so. | | | | improve and succeed over a period of time. |
| | | | |
| Third, they are teaching no learning skills | | | | It certainly helps to have a strong father in |
| in how to cope with failure, and not | | | | the house to help teach his children what it |
| providing a shred of understanding about the | | | | is to be a winner, to learn coping skills, |
| function of failing. Losers would be | | | | patience, hard work, dedication, effort, |
| astonished to learn that successful people | | | | improvement and success. A strong single |
| have failed more than losers ever thought of | | | | mother can do the same. |
| failing. | | | | |
| | | | Do not play patty-cake with your children |
| One of the big differences between losers and | | | | when they are 9 years old, do not knowingly |
| winners in the game of life is that when | | | | set them up in life to fail, let them |
| winners fail, they get right back up, dust | | | | struggle and succeed. If you do not do this |
| themselves off, learn from the experience, | | | | someday they will be adult and not know how |
| and try again. | | | | to act when they are put down, put upon, made |
| | | | fun of and beaten up emotionally. They will |
| Fourth, they devalue the kids who do work | | | | figure it out if you do not protect them and |
| hard, fail and then succeed by rewarding a | | | | their feelings so much they become helpless |
| bunch of kids who haul off and do nothing, | | | | and inept. |
| learn nothing, and have no sense of real | | | | |
| accomplishment. | | | | They will learn to cope and be stronger for |
| | | | the experience. When they reach adulthood |
| I remember going door-to-door as a 9-year-old | | | | they will be able to dismiss people around |
| kid, looking for a sponsor for a baseball | | | | them who have mediocre minds and are mental |
| team I was putting together. I instinctively | | | | midgets. They will be polite as they treat |
| knew kids would want to be on my team if I | | | | these losers as irrelevant (which they are) |
| could get them a free baseball hat and shirt; | | | | and be unaffected by their negative presence. |
| we would then look like a real team. I had | | | | |
| played on a team that had nothing; we could | | | | Then they will move on quickly to be with the |
| not afford uniforms, we were lucky to have a | | | | winners. It is the losers who are left |
| glove or borrow a glove. | | | | standing alone and wondering why. |
| | | | |
| I found that sponsor, a business called | | | | Do not play to participate, play to win. It |
| Jewell Realty in Flint, Michigan. I found a | | | | is not winning that is the be all to end all, |
| sponsor because I was looking for a sponsor. | | | | it is that in the process of winning we learn |
| The people that owned that business were | | | | important skills that make us much more |
| impressed that a 9-year-old kid would have | | | | effective in playing and winning in the game |
| the guts to walk all over town and ask | | | | of life. After all, life is not a resting |
| businesses to sponsor his rag-tag team. I put | | | | place; life is a testing place, it is now and |
| up with the nos and getting kicked out of | | | | will continue to be as long as you live. |
| places because I wanted it that bad. | | | | |
| | | | A wise man said it and it bears repeating |
| The year was 1953 and we were terrible; we | | | | here: When everyone is somebody then no one's |
| lost more games than we won. We were put | | | | anybody. |