| Imagine placing two flat screen plasma TV's side | | | | to sit the rest of the game out, his pinky was |
| by side in your living room smack dab in front of | | | | smarting. |
| your couch. You've got beer, snacks a-plenty and | | | | To replace the bone-sticking-out-of-his-leg guy in |
| fresh batteries in your clicker. | | | | the NFL game, a bulky player with flowing |
| One TV has an NFL game on and the other has a | | | | dreadlocks sticking out of his helmet started |
| Major League Baseball game and they both start | | | | lumbering onto the field. He had a huge cast on his |
| at the same time. | | | | arm that looked like a big club. With the hand |
| Besides this being many sports fans' idea of hog | | | | totally encased, forming a big bulbous weapon, he |
| heaven and even better than clicking back and | | | | shook it as his opponents in defiance while |
| forth between games with only one TV, it's fun | | | | possibly struggling to stick one particular finger up, |
| to watch the differences between these two pro | | | | and then reluctantly joined the huddle. |
| sports. Watching the NFL on TV is a weekly ritual; | | | | It was nearing the halftime and so many timeouts |
| baseball is on every night of the week, but | | | | had been called that they seemed to have run |
| watching the two combined is almost as | | | | out of commercials to play. So the cameras |
| rewarding as joining a Cowboy cheerleader | | | | started scanning the crowd. It was a lot colder |
| snuggle-fest. | | | | where this game was being held, and I could see |
| And that's exactly what I did recently (not the | | | | people's breath. I also saw a guy in shorts and no |
| snuggle-fest, but the two TV's thing). Here's what | | | | shirt who had painted his skin from head to toe in |
| happened: | | | | his NFL team's colors. His head was shaved and |
| The football game started with a massive kick to | | | | also painted, and he was wearing a big pig's nose |
| the opposing team, and a line of 250-pound plus | | | | on his face. |
| men with murder in their eyes started charging | | | | As I briefly scanned the crowd on the other TV, |
| after the poor slob who caught the ball. After a | | | | I saw lots of people in button down, short sleeve |
| few seconds he was crushed by his pursuers, | | | | shirts, baseball caps and gloves on, waiting |
| becoming the bottom man in a very scary adult | | | | expectantly for that ever-elusive foul ball. |
| male pig-pile. MLB players tend to be a little | | | | The first half started to wind down in the NFL |
| mellower and less physical, but all pro players in | | | | game, and I actively awaited gratuitous shots of |
| any sport need to be strong. Football players take | | | | hot cheerleaders. I was rewarded with lots of silly |
| steroids, baseball players get caught. | | | | pompom waving and cleavage. I then happily |
| Meanwhile, the MLB game started off a little less | | | | turned back to the MLB game but only saw three |
| exciting. My heart rate and pulse began to slow | | | | heavy-set women shoving sausage dogs and |
| down as I watched the catcher and pitcher play | | | | peanuts in their mouths. |
| catch as the batter just stood there spitting and | | | | At halftime I got a chance to go to the bathroom |
| adjusting his crotch. I got quickly bored and turned | | | | and grab another cold beer and more snacks. |
| back to the NFL game. | | | | There is never a big break in baseball, and every |
| In a matter of a three minute span two men had | | | | time I go to the bathroom while watching baseball |
| been injured, with one having his ankle relocated | | | | I always miss the big play, which of course |
| to his armpit. A touchdown was scored, the ball | | | | happened this time too. |
| changed hands twice, and a whole lot of tackling, | | | | My MLB game continued to plod along when I got |
| smashing, crunching and finger-breaking happened. | | | | back, inducing the unique ball-strike-out hypnotic |
| Football is more of an immediate gratification, | | | | state that only baseball can cause. I was about to |
| ADD-friendly game to watch. | | | | doze off when I was jarred out of my trance by |
| I glanced back at the MLB game for a couple of | | | | the flashy touchdown dance I saw on my other |
| minutes. Two strikeouts and four fly outs came | | | | TV. The guy who just scored was moonwalking |
| and went and we were already in the second | | | | across the uprights while flapping his arms like |
| inning, with little action to show for it. A baseball | | | | wings. He then proceeded to do a magnificent |
| game is more of a wise-old-man kind of sport, | | | | swan dive which turned into a double summersault |
| where patience and number-crunching are | | | | with a twist and finally landed perfectly on the |
| paramount. It reveres serenity. | | | | field. |
| Football reveres mayhem. Watching football gets | | | | I then quickly caught the replay of the big baseball |
| me angry and all charged up. Watching baseball | | | | play I had just missed. Someone hit a grand slam, |
| makes me sleepy. In fact, I usually like to watch | | | | rounded the bases and was greeted by a big, |
| the first two or three innings, fall asleep, and then | | | | warm, bouncing-in-unison group hug. |
| wake up to catch the last few innings. Watching | | | | After a while, both games ended and I had |
| football players hit each other full force and light | | | | experienced a full range of emotions. Both games |
| each other up is exciting, and dozing is out of the | | | | are great to watch and if you can get past the |
| question. Watching one grown man with ball in | | | | roller coaster ride of stimulation, watching football |
| glove chase another grown man to tag him in a | | | | and baseball simultaneously is a blast. I decided to |
| pickle is kind of funny. | | | | keep both plasma TV's in front of the couch |
| As 10,000 commercials played on the football TV, | | | | permanently |
| I had a few minutes to catch up on my MLB | | | | Finally, no football vs. baseball article could be |
| game. Finally, in the bottom of the third, a man hit | | | | complete without mentioning one of the masters |
| the ball and dropped it in the right field gap for a | | | | of comedy and this subject, George Carlin. Here's |
| single. All the baseball players, including the guy | | | | a quote from Carlin's famous monologue that |
| running up to first base, seemed quite pleasant. | | | | inspired this article: |
| Why not be? They were playing in a nice park, on | | | | "And finally, the objectives of the two games are |
| a nice warm and sunny day and no one had even | | | | completely different: |
| broken a sweat yet. The batter reached first | | | | In football the object is for the quarterback, also |
| base and started chatting with the opposing | | | | known as the field general, to be on target with |
| team's first baseman. They started smiling and | | | | his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his |
| having a great time with each other. My lip-reading | | | | receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the |
| skills are not what they used to be but I think I | | | | blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short |
| saw one say to the other, "Hi Johnny! How's the | | | | bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his |
| wife doing? It's been a while since we saw her. | | | | troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial |
| We've got to get together sometime soon." | | | | assault with a sustained ground attack that |
| Growing restless, I turned back to the NFL game | | | | punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's |
| just in time to see one man standing over a | | | | defensive line. In baseball the object is to go |
| writhing and groaning man on the turf. I think I | | | | home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at |
| saw his lips yelling, "Hey Bruno, while we were | | | | home!" |
| having breakfast together this morning, your wife | | | | TERMS OF REPRINT |
| told me to tackle you into next Tuesday, did I do | | | | You have permission to publish this article |
| a good job?" | | | | electronically or in print, freeof charge, as long as |
| In the very next play a running back was nailed in | | | | the bylines are included and you follow these rules: |
| a bone-splitting tackle. Indeed, his bone did split, | | | | *Email distribution of this article MUST be opt-in |
| and then protruded right out of his bloody skin | | | | email only. |
| causing a wave of nausea to spread over the | | | | *If you post this article on a website, you must |
| crowd. | | | | set any URL'sin the body of the article and most |
| Fascinated but horrified, I quickly turned to the | | | | especially in the Author's |
| baseball game and witnessed a wild pitch hit the | | | | Resource Box as hyperlinks. Please send us the |
| batter on the finger. The batter yelped and had | | | | URL. |